I thought it would be unique if I wrote an article when the writer was experiencing the very thing they are writing about. How to get over the pain of betrayal which I am going through now. Be it friendship, business or relationships, in the end the cream rises to the top, and the dirt falls to the ground.
I remember watching the movie Braveheart. What hit me was the scene during the fight at Falkirk when William Wallace was betrayed by Robert the Bruce. Instead of slicing Bruce’s throat, Wallace just sat back in disbelief.
If you look on Wallace’s face when he realizes he’s been betrayed, you see sheer pain. You can almost see his spirit being taken as if someone had literally turned out a light inside his heart. In the moment when he was most open and trusting, his heart was ripped out. Tears welled up in his eyes and at that moment he gave up. When Bruce looked into Wallace’s eyes, he finally got him on a horse and helped to save him by letting him ride away. The immense pain he saw on Wallace’s face tortured Bruce.
Robert the Bruce: Lands, titles, men, power, nothing.
Robert’s Father: Nothing?
Robert the Bruce: I have nothing. Those men who bled the ground red at Falkirk, they fought for William Wallace, and he fights for something that I never had. And I took it from him, when I betrayed him. I saw it in his face on the battlefield and it’s tearing me apart!
Robert’s Father: All men betray. All lose heart.
Robert the Bruce: I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HEART! I want to believe as he does.
In Braveheart, Wallace believed in his cause and in the relationships he had created. Loyalty, honor and courage was his foundation. Bruce betrayed that loyalty. Bruce sold out Wallace for his own gain even though he knew it would destroy him. Bruce saw his ugliness eventually and he saw the pain he had caused. Eventually he backed Wallace’s cause instead of hindering it. He wanted to restore what little self respect he still had and he had a conscious after all. He realized in the end, he wanted to have that spirit of truth and loyalty that Wallace had over the wealth and power his betrayal promised.
Here is a great article on toxic people. Things that are seen in such a person is that they are manipulative, demanding and dramatic. Many can also be selfish, moody, and demand you pick them over others. They are a cancer and are sick and need to be avoided. Many times when people are betrayed, they look back and see these things in the people they trusted. I’ve seen these things from manipulative teens to dysfunctional adults. It’s scary to watch their narcissism without a conscious to anyone but themselves.
The Excuses of Betrayal:
I’ve never heard a person in my life say, “I don’t want to take your help because I’m really confused right now. I don’t know who I am and I really need to find myself. I’m still learning who I am and want to focus on that so I can’t take your help at this time. During this process I really don’t want to burden you or take up your time. When I have my head on straight I’ll call you and during this process I’ll keep you posted on how I am doing”. Selfish people don’t do this. In reality they don’t care if they are a burden to you or if they drain others. They just want things to get better for themselves and it doesn’t matter who they have to hurt to make it happen. They will lie, make promises and do whatever it takes to get what they want. These are the things you hear AFTER you help them and you are no longer an important part of their lives.
After you support them, then all of a sudden you are a stray dog. They played with you for a while because you would give them loyalty, comfort, support and all of the things they craved. Then when other people came around and they were back on their feet, they would throw the ball down a steep hill. The dog would take forever to run and get it and by the time the dog got back, the person would be gone.
These betrayers have huge issues, but they will nitpick you to death telling you how bad you act and how bad it makes them feel being oblivious to the pain they’ve created. Funny how those things are only an issue when they don’t need you because it sure didn’t bother them when they did. They will all of a sudden trash you behind your back and allow others to do the same. After a while you realize their manipulative madness and say this just isn’t worth it. Ok; you got me. You used me but I just want you to go away. Which they gladly will.
In reality their actions say, “you are not important to me now and I need to move on. Thanks a lot but I don’t need you anymore and you are not good enough to be in my life. I will try and save face though so I don’t look bad”. Toxic people that betray always have a few things in their arsenal; or what we normal people call, excuses; to use, to make them feel better while they are telling you that they used you & you need to leave them alone.
The Feelings of Betrayal:
Most betrayers are master manipulators. They will turn you upside down acting confused and lost when they sure weren’t that way when they needed you. Some are so good they will even blame their own betrayal on you. Somehow they are always the victim. I remember asking my Uncle Phil once saying how can people knowingly hurt others? How can they say they will come through and they don’t? How can these people sleep at night? He smiled and said, “they sleep pretty well”. You can sleep when you don’t have a conscious.
I don’t think that possibly losing that person is the thing that causes us pain, it’s that this person no longer thinks you are good enough for them. It’s also the time and effort you put into them and how stupid you may feel for being so good to them. When they were in the mud pit and looked hopeless, you listened to their cries and jumped into the mud with them to help. If they were going down so were you. They sucked the life out of you but you were loyal. The pain of being taken advantage is hard to take. The rejection is through the roof and it hurts.
We have to realize society has become much more selfish and some have no issues hurting others. They lack the conscious or the moral character to take care of business. They will say all the right words, and do as much as they need to get what they want. Sometimes it’s for money or business favors or companionship when they are alone. For some in relationships it can be money and some even want eye candy to show off to others.
During their darkest and most fearful hours, you are there without judgement. When their situation looks ugly and they seem to be a mess that can’t be helped, you help them without care of being hurt. When they don’t need you anymore or the roles are reversed, there are always excuses and very little loyalty. Something always trumps their loyalty to you, or their ability to be there for you. That’s when you erase them from your life.
Why Do We Get Hurt:
Some get hurt because they are foolish and they trust everyone. For the most part though, many get hurt because they have compassion and care deeply for others and some people see it and take advantage of that. You feel for people and you don’t want them to hurt.
We’ve all been screwed over in our lives but usually the softhearted people get it much more often. People who are train wrecks love latching on to these people like a tick that won’t jump off a hiker. Softhearted and/or insecure people can be spotted a mile away. People know they will help and some go after them like a lion chasing a straggling antelope in a herd. These people will use the compassion of others to improve their own situation.
It’s noble to try to see good in people and to wish the best for them, but at time’s it’s also naïve. Usually the people that hurt us the most are the ones we care deeply for.
Learn From Your Mistakes:
Realize your heart was in the right place, but you shouldn’t have helped this person. They are like a dementor in Harry Potter. This is a soul taker; they literally drain your spirit and take every part of you when they need you. When you are no longer needed, suddenly all of these flaws and issues about you come out. Funny how they weren’t an issue when they needed you. See the pattern? Actions speak louder than words and you need to look at people’s actions over your compassion for them. Yes you screwed up by helping them; learn from it; but it still doesn’t give them the right to hurt you.
What’s really sad is as time goes on, good hearted and kind people get worn out by being burned so often and eventually they lose faith in people. They become jaded and untrusting and that is the society we live in today. A pastor friend the other day said, “it’s almost like ½ the people are jaded and have been burned a lot and the rest of the people are taking advantage of them and don’t have a conscious about it”. The key is to always keep growing, surround yourself with good people and be wary of who you help and who you let into your life. Don’t be an open book. Just because someone acts sweet or kind doesn’t mean they are good.
Take responsibility. It’s rough out their gang but you can do it. Smile, move on and be rid of emotional drainers. Let out the pain and discouragement and then take a deep breath and live again. There are a lot of wolves in sheep’s clothing though. Sometimes the darkest people on the inside seem like the kindest, most attractive and sweetest people on the outside. Be strong, keep your eyes open, and trust in peoples actions over their words. When you give you should never want anything back but you also don’t want to be a lackey. Many times the person with the brightest smile has the most selfish intentions. You are their life raft and once they are off the island, they will set you adrift not caring where you land or even if you land at all. Not everyone deserves our help or our hearts and friendship. Only give your loyalty to those that will respect it, appreciate it, and keep it for life and refuse to accept being a victim to anyone.